Your Daddy

He has been so strong during this, your loss. We both miss you terribly, but Daddy doesn't show it, doesn't let it out. He keeps those feelings under his facade, but he still has them.

Last night, Daddy broke down and cried for you for the first time since we found out you had left us for heaven. We both want our baby back. We want you to know how very much we love you, miss you, needed you.

Your passing has blessed your daddy with the ability to feel more, to let it all out. He can cry a bit now, show me his feelings more. It's so odd, so wrong that the hole you leave in our lives can be called a blessing.

Not a day goes by where I don't think of you, darling. I know you are in the hands of our Father and safe, warm, happy. Pray for me and daddy, sweet baby, to continue on without so much pain.

Open Letter to My Baby

My darling little boy,

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you. Daddy tells me that you said it's okay, the loss of you.

I miss you, darling, and wish you were here each and every day. I would be feeling your kicks and twirls by now. Instead I have emptiness.

I know you're in heaven with Jesus. I know that you are safe and warm, not hurting or sad. I know that you will never feel pain or know evil. I know that I will see you there, someday.

I ordered your memorial stone and can pick it up next week. We will bury you in a beautiful, safe place. I will plant Grecian Windflower, Grape Hyacinths, Crocus and other beautiful flowers near you. What is left of you will go back to the earth. We will bury you, just Daddy and I, so that the girls, your sisters, won't feel like they ought to investigate the spot.

I miss you, darling.

Feeling Better

Honestly, I'm healing.

I'm feeling better.

I can think of Michael without crying.

Mostly.

RooBoo can't remember his name. She misses him and talks about him a lot. It touches them, too, which is so easy to forget in my own wallowing.

OldestGirl got very quiet when I spoke of wanting another baby.

CurlyGirl would love another baby.

TheBoy often asks me if I'm sad that our baby is in heaven. He's three, for heavens sake. How can he remember what happened 2 months ago?

God, is it really 2 months?

We added Michael to our family name button tree - his name and a guardian angel pin.

I'm healing.

I can see babies now without crying. I can see pregnant women without sadness.

I can hope again.

I'm charting my cycle.

I'm a lady in waiting.

Hear my prayer, merciful Lord.