Jul 27, 2007

I Tell YOU What's Not Fair...

I felt pretty decent today - I found myself thinking that maybe I'm starting to hit that acceptance phase. I didn't even cry when Hubbers apologized/empathized for not having to make room for another child in our already bursting at the seams house. Nope, didn't even well up.

But when I opened the mail today and found the bill from the Radiologist for the ultrasound to confirm that my son was dead... That was harsh.

Way hard.

It's not fair to have to pay for someone to tell you that your loved one is dead, you know? It irks me that it will cost me $284 for a 7 minute scan to tell me that my son had no heart tones.

I guess I'm still in that mad stage of grief - haven't moved to the acceptance stage yet.

Stages of Grief:

1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I don't really feel the need to bargain. And the depression? Well, I've been on meds for that since 2001! Yes, I'm being flip. I obviously have SOME depression, since the nights seem so hard.

What do you say when someone calls to see how you are and the standard answer pops to your lips: "Fine". I usually amend that to "Doing Better".

What about when someone asks how many children you have? I have four and three in heaven? One died recently and left the other four here? I have eight? I have four? I'm busy feel bad for the loss of one but the other four are around here somewhere?

Hubbers says that the question implies that the kids are alive and I should just answer with 4.

God willing, we will have that fifth some day. My body works just fine - especially now that I've lost weight. I'm down to as little as I weighed before the conception of my third child - the lowest in a LONG time. The less weight, the easier it is to get pregnant.

I worry - in case you couldn't tell - about the most inane and impertinent things sometimes...

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