Jul 25, 2007

Asking Why

I wonder why God allows bad things to happen. Yes, we grown sometimes from them, we learn sometimes. But why would God allow my baby to grow for three months before letting him just DIE from some bad chromosome thing? Why let him grow at all in the first place? Why allow me the pleasure of him and then yank it away like a bad no-no?

What in the name of all am I supposed to learn from this?!

I suppose I asked the same things when undergoing infertility treatments for 18 months to conceive our second child. Why? As much as that hurt at the time, God this hurts so much more.

Wanna hear something bad? As sad as I am that my son died before birth, I'm really glad that I never got to know him before death. I'm glad he wasn't here and then died - that it wasn't one of the kids that I'm so attached to that died. I would never have chosen the death of my child, but I'm glad it was one that wasn't here yet. How's that for a black little piece of my soul?

The chance of a second miscarriage after this is essential as low as if we'd never had one. This was at least my second one - the first being an early miscarriage in 1997. I believe I may have had one more early miscarriage in 1999 or 2000, which would make this loss my third. And you know what that means? IF that was my third miscarriage, my chances for another are 50%.

Some days it feels like everything is stacked against you.


T with Honey said...

Don't think about the scientific odds. Only God knows how many babies will come into your life, and when. Your parts are still in your body, still going through the cycles? Then there is a chance that another baby lies in your future.

Why this had to happen? I don't have any answers for you. Maybe so you could post on your blog and help another woman through the same thing? Maybe if the pregnancy went any further it would have put your life at risk and there is something that God needs you here to do?


The Estrogen Files said...

T, you're so wonderful. Bless you.