Aug 12, 2007

Anger Abated?

I haven't been to church in several weeks. I've been a little angry at God lately. But I had to go today to fulfill my monthly singing commitment. I was less than enthusiastic

I am so glad I went. I felt the peace and love just raining down upon me today. I still feel the hurt and loss of my little one, but it feels buffered now by the peace of Christ.

I still want another child. It wouldn't hurt my feelings to come up pregnant before next month. But I don't want to replace my little Michael so I'm thinking hard about my desire. Is desperate the right word? No, I think that is too strong. Hopeful, I think, says it best.

Before I became pregnant with Michael, I felt a strong desire to have another child. I was saddened, seeing my three year old boy growing into a strong, independent man-child. I saw my three girls growing into young ladies and I missed the time they were sweet little bundles. I felt that our family wasn't done yet.

And then Michael happened. The joy of him, even for 12 short weeks, is upon me still.

I don't know if our family is done now, or not. We're going to let God take care of it. Being Catholic, we don't believe in artificial birth control, but respecting the ebb and flow of the female cycle through Natural Family Planning.

Lord, be with us, with me, each day. Guide my steps in your path. Let me be your servant.

3 comments:

T with Honey said...

Oh, Sara! Get thee to church and next to Confession!!

I'm not saying this to be a preachy Catholic. I'm saying it because it will give you the healing grace you need!!

It is one of the mysteries that keeps my faith firmly planted in the teachings of the Catholic church. For some reason after going to confession my worries and pain seem less of a burden. And just walking into church and being physically there for mass brings peace to my soul.

You are right. Give your troubles, your pain to God. Let Him guide you.

tegdirb92 said...

Together we are walking through this, my friend :) I love this branch of your blog. I just keep the faith in thinking that God has a reason for everything:)

Hugs!

Lynn said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one. You now have empty arms and they ache to be filled. That is so natural. You're a mom and you miss your son. Wanting another child is natural too. You won't replace Michael even if you do have another one. I know, we've done it twice. You son will always be an individual child. Just like all of your other children. My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers.