Jul 29, 2007

It Feels...


The conception, short gestation, and loss of my baby - how could so much have happened in such a short time?

My children are home from vacation and my focus has shifted from the selfish of ME to the unselfish of MOM. I'm so glad they are back, I missed them so. But it forces me to forget in my day to day that there was a Michael.

We have decided to put his remains in the shady back garden where the hostas thrive. I will take his remains to be blessed this week and then we'll move on.

I'm thinking of ordering a small stone from Etched in Stone that could be used as a paperweight or garden stone to remember him. Just simple, with his name on it to show that he did live and was loved immensely.

Hubbers had a dream about our boy last week. He was older, not an infant, and looked like our second child - blond and sweet. He told Hubbers that it was okay. I assume this means that our little boy knew he would have had a life of pain in our world and his place in heaven is much better. That he will be loving us always and looking after us as well. That he didn't hurt here, just felt our love for him.

I don't believe this was a dream. I think people can visit us after they die sometimes. I think Michael was visiting Hubbers to help ease his pain. It's a pain he won't show me, although I know he feels it. He wants to be strong for me.

I asked him earlier this week if it still hurt him, too. Not in the same way, he replied. I guess this means that it's not the raw searing pain for him that it is for me, probably some of it being the effect of the loss of hormones. But he did tell me that it still hurt him. So I guess it's a healing thing to see our son and know that it's okay and he's well.

I'm jealous. I wish he had visited me.

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