Precious Michael

Ban Abortion, Ban Obama

My Michael never had a chance, but Obama is making sure that NO baby has a chance.



October 15th: Remembering Our Babies, Angel Anniversaries.

The Awakening Bond

Fried Okra asks today in a very poignant post about when her awakening bond with the baby she carries occurred. Megan related her experiences to songs and asked about what song symbolized MY bond with my kids.

As far as I can remember, this happened with only one of my kids. I guess I just got too busy having more to take the time to relate our relationships to songs. But with Oldest Girl, it was this one that came out right after she was born. And now, 11 years later, it still makes me sniffle.

With Baby Bunting, it's like new awakening after every twist, roll, shuffle-step-kick that he does. Somehow it's like I forget, although I with my huge 32 week belly I don't know how I WOULD forget, but I do. Each and every movement he makes is a treasure trove for my heart. I take pleasure in his movements, even when they involve squishing my tiny bladder into near non-existence.

Is this from the loss of Michael? Maybe. Now, Michael just seems so far away, but I still find myself occasionally thinking of Bunting as Michael. I know that won't stay around after he's born, but it's a bit disconcerting, none-the-less. RooBoo prays for her lost baby brother every night, touchingly.

Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle, for your viewing pleasure... For the bond between me and my first baby.



What about you? What, if any, symbolizes YOUR bond?

Where Do You Come From?

“How will your children know who they are If they don’t know where they came from?”

– Ma, in “Grapes of Wrath.”

Dreaming

I don't dream about Michael. I never have. I wish I could have seen him, just once, but it wasn't to be. But I feel more at peace about him.

His presence in our lives was a blessing beyond measure in more ways than love. Losing a child is no fun way to come to terms with your life, but this is how it happened for Hubbers. The death of our son brought upon him a life changing cataclysm and emotional breakthrough.

Hubbers was my rock during the diagnosis. Tears shining in his eyes, coursing down my cheeks. His confident touch, his unending love, just his constant presence during that three weeks after the loss.

A month after Michael left, Hubbers broke down, broke through, and was able to cry about our baby. His shuddering sobs touched my heart in ways I cannot describe. I was able to be there for him now; to hold him during his pain.

The result: Hubbers realizes how important we are to him; how important I am to him. He knows he loves me, but didn't FEEL it (his words). He has been much easier to get close to since our loss. He shows his love in ways that don't involved s-e-x.

Rambling. That's all this is. And I can see that I do not explain things as I understand them. My explanation is callous, rough, untamed. Forgive me my inelegance.

While our son is gone, I still feel his presence in my life. I feel him nearby, watching over us, loving us. I will never forget. The leaving of our son, though a ripping pain, was also a healing balm.

Time

However time or circumstance may come between a mother and Her child, their lives are interwoven forever.

– Pam Brown

Blessed by God

Our Joy

It's only 4 weeks. We've a long way to go, so remember us in your prayers.

This baby will not replace Michael. Not by a long shot. But I do think this one will help us to heal. And we are so happy.

Praise you, Father, for your precious blessing.

Remembering Our Babies

october15th.com

Left us at 12 weeks.

Forever in my heart.

Not a day goes by without you, sweetie.

Cervical Positions

I am at 14 dpo today. I have some spotting when checked internally this morning after activity, but none now. My temps are still high. My cervix has opened during the course of the day, although it is still high. Looks like it is the beginning of another cycle.

• Beginning of cycle – during menses – cervix will be low and hard and feel like the tip of your nose. It will be slightly open.
• After the Menstrual Period is over – the cervix will be low and hard and closed.
• As Ovulation approaches – The cervix will start to rise and begin to feel softer.
• During Ovulation – Remember the initials SHOW. Your cervix will be Soft, High, Open and Wet. The cervix will feel similar to your lips.
• After Ovulation – The cervix will drop low and be firm once again like the tip of your nose.
• If pregnancy has been achieved then the cervix will usually shift up and stay closed.

source: fertilityhelper.net

9 DPO

I'm charting again, more to see what my body is doing than to try to achieve pregnancy. It's a triphasic chart, which can mean pregnancy, or may not mean it at the same time. It's a hopeful sign, but I'm afraid to hope, to worry, to care.

Fertility Friend My Page

9 days past ovulation. Five or so more until I may know if we're on the clock again. Five more to worry, wonder, speculate.

Your Daddy

He has been so strong during this, your loss. We both miss you terribly, but Daddy doesn't show it, doesn't let it out. He keeps those feelings under his facade, but he still has them.

Last night, Daddy broke down and cried for you for the first time since we found out you had left us for heaven. We both want our baby back. We want you to know how very much we love you, miss you, needed you.

Your passing has blessed your daddy with the ability to feel more, to let it all out. He can cry a bit now, show me his feelings more. It's so odd, so wrong that the hole you leave in our lives can be called a blessing.

Not a day goes by where I don't think of you, darling. I know you are in the hands of our Father and safe, warm, happy. Pray for me and daddy, sweet baby, to continue on without so much pain.

Open Letter to My Baby

My darling little boy,

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you. Daddy tells me that you said it's okay, the loss of you.

I miss you, darling, and wish you were here each and every day. I would be feeling your kicks and twirls by now. Instead I have emptiness.

I know you're in heaven with Jesus. I know that you are safe and warm, not hurting or sad. I know that you will never feel pain or know evil. I know that I will see you there, someday.

I ordered your memorial stone and can pick it up next week. We will bury you in a beautiful, safe place. I will plant Grecian Windflower, Grape Hyacinths, Crocus and other beautiful flowers near you. What is left of you will go back to the earth. We will bury you, just Daddy and I, so that the girls, your sisters, won't feel like they ought to investigate the spot.

I miss you, darling.

Feeling Better

Honestly, I'm healing.

I'm feeling better.

I can think of Michael without crying.

Mostly.

RooBoo can't remember his name. She misses him and talks about him a lot. It touches them, too, which is so easy to forget in my own wallowing.

OldestGirl got very quiet when I spoke of wanting another baby.

CurlyGirl would love another baby.

TheBoy often asks me if I'm sad that our baby is in heaven. He's three, for heavens sake. How can he remember what happened 2 months ago?

God, is it really 2 months?

We added Michael to our family name button tree - his name and a guardian angel pin.

I'm healing.

I can see babies now without crying. I can see pregnant women without sadness.

I can hope again.

I'm charting my cycle.

I'm a lady in waiting.

Hear my prayer, merciful Lord.

Reset

The pushing of the reset button has finally worked. The Provera was supposed to start the cycle within 1 or 2 days. It took 4 days before any spotting even started. So, we're moving on.

I'm afraid of infertility problems again. We had 18 months of infertility charting, crying, and waiting that finally succumbed to the second round of Clomid to create CurlyGirl. I'm so afraid that there will be something like that again.

Whatever comes, God will be with me and you.

The Waiting Game

My Dr put me on a week's worth of a progesterone supplement (Provera) to help clear everything out and "reset" my cycle. Today is day 2 without the supplement and I'm still waiting for the bleeding to start.

I'm very tired. I have some small cramping and aching hips. I can't cough without wanting to vomit. For me, these are all signs of pregnancy. Unfortunately, they are also all signs of progesterone. Except for the vomit-cough thing. That's my own personal lovely.

And it does make me get my hopes up, damn it. I hope that there is a baby. I hope that the bleeding will start so there can be a baby. I am just sick and tired of waiting.

Whoever said Patience is a Virtue ought to try being the mom in the first cycle after miscarriage.

Anger Abated?

I haven't been to church in several weeks. I've been a little angry at God lately. But I had to go today to fulfill my monthly singing commitment. I was less than enthusiastic

I am so glad I went. I felt the peace and love just raining down upon me today. I still feel the hurt and loss of my little one, but it feels buffered now by the peace of Christ.

I still want another child. It wouldn't hurt my feelings to come up pregnant before next month. But I don't want to replace my little Michael so I'm thinking hard about my desire. Is desperate the right word? No, I think that is too strong. Hopeful, I think, says it best.

Before I became pregnant with Michael, I felt a strong desire to have another child. I was saddened, seeing my three year old boy growing into a strong, independent man-child. I saw my three girls growing into young ladies and I missed the time they were sweet little bundles. I felt that our family wasn't done yet.

And then Michael happened. The joy of him, even for 12 short weeks, is upon me still.

I don't know if our family is done now, or not. We're going to let God take care of it. Being Catholic, we don't believe in artificial birth control, but respecting the ebb and flow of the female cycle through Natural Family Planning.

Lord, be with us, with me, each day. Guide my steps in your path. Let me be your servant.

The World of Maybe

I'm working on becoming a La Leche League leader this year. It's brought me together with some amazing women. One woman, L, announced her pregnancy and due date similar to mine before my loss.

I was so happy and excited for her! We would be "twinners" and both working on leadership. Our babies would be of similar age and play together at meetings. L is a loving, caring, personable woman that I want to be like when I grow up.

Now, after the loss of precious Michael, I find it so hard to be happy for her. So hard to see her and be near her. I know that they tried very hard to have this second child. I know that they suffered a miscarriage much like mine with great heartbreak. I know how lucky she feels to be carrying her new child with no problems indicated. And I wouldn't wish her bad for the whole world.

But I feel so jealous. Why does God like her better, to allow her to have her baby and take mine? Why do I have to like her so much, to hurt so much? Why did God take my baby?

I see her all the time, when before I didn't see her often. L attends my church, our mutual La Leche League meetings and Leader Applicant meetings, the same community outings as we do. And it hurts so much it BURNS. I find myself staring at her belly. I feel so rude to do it, but I can't draw my eyes away. I know she understands and feels sorry for me, but that doesn't bring my son back.

So, maybe next month I'll attend the LLL meeting and be able to say that I'm pregnant again! Maybe my body will kick in and cycle normal again before the next meeting. Maybe I'm making a dumb choice, trying to be a leader right now. Maybe the tears won't roll down my face every time I face this blog. Maybe my laughing at funny things won't turn into sobbing next month. Maybe I won't be so mad at God next month.

Maybe next month it won't hurt so much any more.

Tomorrow is the one full month mark from when I found out Michael had died. A few days ago the image of his so still body on the ultrasound screen would not stop playing through my head. The concern in the face of my doctor, her worry expressed quietly so as not to alarm my other children who were all present. The assistant running the ultrasound machine who would not confirm what I already knew. The words of the radiologist resonating through my head "I'm sorry, I don't see any heart tones." The long, one hour wait for Hubbers to come into town from the work site, when I sat and stared at nothing, refusing to think or cry. The beginning of this lifelong heartbreak.

A New Low

I told the big blue mail box to go F itself tonight. The sign on it said that anything over 13 oz has to be taken in and handed to an employee or it may be returned. Safety issues, you know... I was trying to AVOID going into town to mail something for PaperBackSwap.com by using stamps.

Sucks to be me.

I dropped that damn book in anyway. F you, post office.

Stupid Nicole Richie, the same amount pregnant as I was supposed to be. Stupid her on TV that I hardly ever watch but did tonight. All the shit she has going on and I am the one who's baby dies? I honestly don't understand. It's all well and good that he's in heaven, but he's not here and that just f-ing hurts.

Last Night

It was the first time since the day we found out about the death. I thought it would hurt, feel different, be just wrong or sad.

And it was sad, but not... at the same time.