I'm charting again, more to see what my body is doing than to try to achieve pregnancy. It's a triphasic chart, which can mean pregnancy, or may not mean it at the same time. It's a hopeful sign, but I'm afraid to hope, to worry, to care.
Fertility Friend My Page
9 days past ovulation. Five or so more until I may know if we're on the clock again. Five more to worry, wonder, speculate.
It seems that there are so many questions to ask and no one to answer them.
How do I explain how many children I have?
How do I answer "How are you?"
Where do I choose to bury the remains of our son?
What if we move, as we plan to do, what happens to his remains?
Is the garden an okay place to bury a small amount of tissue?
Should I plant pretty flowers around him as he goes back to the earth?
Will it ever not hurt?
I felt pretty decent today - I found myself thinking that maybe I'm starting to hit that acceptance phase. I didn't even cry when Hubbers apologized/empathized for not having to make room for another child in our already bursting at the seams house. Nope, didn't even well up.
But when I opened the mail today and found the bill from the Radiologist for the ultrasound to confirm that my son was dead... That was harsh.
Way hard.
It's not fair to have to pay for someone to tell you that your loved one is dead, you know? It irks me that it will cost me $284 for a 7 minute scan to tell me that my son had no heart tones.
I guess I'm still in that mad stage of grief - haven't moved to the acceptance stage yet.
--------------------------------------------
Stages of Grief:
1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I don't really feel the need to bargain. And the depression? Well, I've been on meds for that since 2001! Yes, I'm being flip. I obviously have SOME depression, since the nights seem so hard.
What do you say when someone calls to see how you are and the standard answer pops to your lips: "Fine". I usually amend that to "Doing Better".
What about when someone asks how many children you have? I have four and three in heaven? One died recently and left the other four here? I have eight? I have four? I'm busy feel bad for the loss of one but the other four are around here somewhere?
Hubbers says that the question implies that the kids are alive and I should just answer with 4.
God willing, we will have that fifth some day. My body works just fine - especially now that I've lost weight. I'm down to as little as I weighed before the conception of my third child - the lowest in a LONG time. The less weight, the easier it is to get pregnant.
I worry - in case you couldn't tell - about the most inane and impertinent things sometimes...
I wonder why God allows bad things to happen. Yes, we grown sometimes from them, we learn sometimes. But why would God allow my baby to grow for three months before letting him just DIE from some bad chromosome thing? Why let him grow at all in the first place? Why allow me the pleasure of him and then yank it away like a bad no-no?
What in the name of all am I supposed to learn from this?!
I suppose I asked the same things when undergoing infertility treatments for 18 months to conceive our second child. Why? As much as that hurt at the time, God this hurts so much more.
Wanna hear something bad? As sad as I am that my son died before birth, I'm really glad that I never got to know him before death. I'm glad he wasn't here and then died - that it wasn't one of the kids that I'm so attached to that died. I would never have chosen the death of my child, but I'm glad it was one that wasn't here yet. How's that for a black little piece of my soul?
The chance of a second miscarriage after this is essential as low as if we'd never had one. This was at least my second one - the first being an early miscarriage in 1997. I believe I may have had one more early miscarriage in 1999 or 2000, which would make this loss my third. And you know what that means? IF that was my third miscarriage, my chances for another are 50%.
Some days it feels like everything is stacked against you.
